By Bob Groeneveld
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Pizza poutine.
Or poutine pizza, if you prefer.
Yes, it’s a real thing.
I looked it up.
You can even add pepperoni.
Practically all of the major internet recipe sites have detailed instructions on how to make it.
Or if you can’t get off the couch to make it yourself – perhaps because you’ve already eaten a lot of pizza poutine – there are lots of places, including some right here in Langley, that will build that health bomb for you… and even deliver it right to your door.
Hey! It’s not a problem. Assisted suicide is now legal in Canada.
Indeed, this kind of suicide has always been legal in this country, as in most western democracies.
It’s been legal ever since Marco Polo brought the basic idea for pizza back with him from China.
Yes. I hate to break it to Donald Trump, but I believe this is really the way that China plans to take over the world – not with some nefarious algorithms hidden deep inside their Huawei cell phones, not by eroding the world economy by coaxing fellow superpowers into insurmountable trade deficits, not by buying B.C.’s natural gas as part of a complex and incomprehensible climate change hoax, not by crippling America’s mega-oil industry by siphoning Alberta’s tar-sand crude directly through a Canadian government-owned (wink-wink) pipeline, and not even by burning coal until Earth’s atmosphere turns black and buries us all in globally warmed soot.
No. China has been planning all along to pump cholesterol directly into the heart muscles of gullible westerners who can’t pass up a rich flavour.
And they’ve been planning it since all the way back to the 13th Century.
They’ve been planning it ever since Marco yelled “Polo!” in the Emperor’s swimming pool.
I can just see Kublai Khan turning to his closest adviser and whispering behind his cupped palm, “Any people who can be so easily diverted by a game such as this will be easy to conquer with our pizza-cholesterol strategy.”
“I’ll see that he gets our recipe for pizza before he heads back to Italy,” the adviser surely chuckled back, “and when the French Canadians add poutine to it…”
…fade to mutual laughter.
Western nations, led principally by the English, Americans, and French, practically brought China to its knees by flooding its cities with opium and promoting debilitating addictions amongst vast swaths of the country’s population in the mid-1800s.
Meanwhile, China’s already 500-year-old plan for world domination by poutine pizza addiction was ticking along like a fine Swiss clock.
And check it out, folks… open your eyes and take a good look around you.
Who do you think is winning now?
Hey! Sorry, folks. I gotta run… Donna says the delivery guy is at the door with my pepperoni poutine pizza.