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RYAN’S REGARDS: Langley gets lost in space

With billionaires blasting off, it’s time to start packing bags and prepping for the big move

Pack your bags everybody, this is not a drill! We’re moving to outer space.

Barely 50 years ago, the space race was between countries – mainly the United States and the Soviet Union. Now, they are between billionaires.

Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson both blasted off the face of the Earth this month.

Yes, instead of helping to feed the starving, providing equipment to douse fires, giving vaccines to poor nations, or fighting climate change, these noble fellows risked it all for the future of humanity.

What a time to be alive!

Not only have they all proven that we can leave our home with ease (you can officially head that way on a tour), but they are throwing their endless dough at making their dreams of colonizing Mars a reality.

Finally, we’re living in the era that The Jetsons promised us. All those campy sixties shows like Lost In Space are in reach. It is the dawn of the time of robot butlers and jet packs and chrome suits.

I have no doubt we’ll meet little green men like one that befriends Fred Flintstone in a matter of months.

But that all means we’ll soon have to make the giant leap for mankind to the big red planet next door.

With an ongoing pandemic, unstoppable climate change, wildfires wiping towns off the map, and things like Twitter merely existing, I think it’s safe to say the only way out of the mess we’ve made is by literally getting out.

So, our City and Township councils should probably start taking stock of what Langley landmarks we should be packing the rocket ship with.

Obviously, we’re going to need attractions, so the entirety of Fort Langley must be disassembled and brought with us. Even though the planet is rumoured to be flat and bare, I still foresee there being no parking at the new site on Mars.

We’ll need entertainment, so the Twilight Drive-In (a personal favourite of mine around these parts) and Langley Events Centre are no brainers to be shipped – though, we’ll have to figure out a way for the Giants to skate amid zero gravity. I feel hockey is going to undergo some significant changes up there.

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We’ll want every restaurant and business of course. But, I will say, I’m a little concerned about the wine supply. Can grapes even grow on Mars?

Come to think of it, how do we transport Campbell Valley? There’s no better place for an evening walk.

We’ll have to take the Fraser River by buckets and that’s probably going to take decades.

Can the Langley livestock have a pleasant existence in space? As if Llamas couldn’t look any crazier, I feel circular helmets around their heads aren’t going to help their cause.

Maybe all of the animals are going to have to stay here… even my beloved cat, Cat Stevens.

The towering view of Mount Baker will be sorely missed. No more Golden Ears greeting us from the north.

Langley just wouldn’t be Langley on Mars. No horseback riding or golf games or picking blackberries or cruising around country roads.

Wildfires and climate change are difficult forces to contend with. But, maybe Langley as we know it is worth fighting for?

We’d just mess Mars up if we went there anyway.

Like the captain of the Titanic, there’s something noble about going down with the ship – or, seeing things through to the bitter end.

The billionaires can have their fun.

I’d choose a seat at the Hilltop Diner than a seat in Branson’s space shuttle any day.

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